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Is it time to adjust our understanding and expectations about infidelity and affairs? Opening Statement By Ofer Zur, Ph.D. From King David in Jerusalem to Kathryn Hepburn in Los Angeles, Prince Charles in England, Bill Clinton and Jon Edwards in Washington, D.C., Eliot Spitzer in New York, infidelity has been a consistent part of our history. Infidelity is much more common than we like to believe. It is also no longer primarily the province of men, as women, statistically, are catching up fast. Equal opportunity, indeed. Infidelity is neither solely men's domain, nor is it an indication of a bad marriage. It is definitely not a sign that the marriage is over. In fact, most marriages survive infidelity and affairs. Many actually thrive. Humans have long been titillated by the extramarital transgressions of the high and mighty, from emperors, queens and presidents, to evangelists, politicians and movie stars, as well as our co-workers, friends and families. The theme has threaded itself throughout history, art, literature and, certainly, through politics and Hollywood. Moving this trend into high gear is none other than the Internet, where couples meet and mingle frequently, anonymously, and sometimes perfidiously. Myths & Facts about Infidelity and Affairs
Myth #1: An affair always indicates serious problems in the marriage. Myth #2: Most affairs lead to divorce. Myth #3: Lack of sex at home is the main reason for infidelity. Myth #4: Infidelity is not normal. Myth #5: Infidelity is rare in the animal kingdom. Myth #6: An affair inevitably destroys the marriage. Myth #7: Men initiate almost all affairs. Myth #8: Couples therapy is the best approach to dealing with an infidelity crisis. For more myths and online article: Infidelity: Myths, Facts, and Healing Your ideas and opinions are of interest to us. Please, no more than 250 words, and your comment will be moderated for language and commercialism.
Glen Gerstner wrote:
It's not as much about lack of trust as it is about lack of boundaries. It's also been said that normal is just a setting on the washing machine.
10/21/09 15:23:19
Albert R.Levy,PhD wrote:
Why all this fuss and worry about the "pain" caused by parents who screw up their marriages. Intentionally or unintentionally. How about doing some research (well,our patients describe in detail) about the effect on children of parents who stay in depressed,loveless,sexless marriages. Or use their kids as friends and confidantes.
Insensitive parents have lousy marriages. Maybe they never really wanted to be married in the first place. I have known countless (in therapy and in my personal life) lots and lots (I know,that is not a scientific fact) of individuals who "knew" their marriage was a mistake on their wedding night, 2 weeks, 7 months, one year after the marriage that it was lousy but 18 years go by. Ask your friends who have been divorced when they knew their marriage was terrible or that they had made a mistake. You will be astounded at what you hear.
09/13/09 13:28:26
Albert R.Levy,PhD wrote:
"Happily married and yet go outside the marriage. "That is just plain silly and wrong! You and i have different ideas what"happy" is.If you think Bill and Hilary Clinton have a "happy marriage",well,then..... I have never seen a so-called "sexual problem" that is not a relationship problem whither it be so-called frigidity or so-called "impotence" or whatever. They are are matters of how people relate or to not relate to each other. Let's be rational and psychological here. No need to get moralistic and label one person the bad guy or girl. That makes no sense.
08/27/09 23:13:26
Albert R.Levy,PhD wrote:
Being involved with anyone sexually or romantically "outside" the marriage means the person is showing contempt for their partner.It is impossible to be happily married and yet feel sexually unfulfilled.Unhappy enough to seek out another person.That is nonsense.It is also folly to say that someone"cheated".It takes both parties to not know what is going on in their marriage.It is all to easy to get moralistic and talk about "cheating" or "lying" or "unfaithful".
In good and viable marriages,there are no surprises. Many people wish to leave their barren and loveless marriage and this is the only way they can do that without feeling guilty. Can't we be psychological about this without becoming moralistic about it. Marriage is not a noun;it is a verb.Two people can be legally married but care not one whit about each other and worse of all,maybe never did. Ask many people who have been married for some time and that marriage ended in divorce:ask them when they knew their marriage was over and more than you can imagine will say on their wedding day or one week after the marriage or 5 months. And yet,18 years go by.
08/27/09 23:06:53
Gerald Vest, LISW/ACSW wrote:
Our soldiers and their families are the real heros as they have been away from their partner for several long tours and suffer injuries related to stress, anxiety and depression, often because so many have closed their sex door. I believe that many of our military religious leaders--puritans & zealots--have established policies on our soldiers and others have contributed to the problem as they impose their beliefs on others and then the military enforces their 'laws'. If you are married and have an affair with someone else, you are in danger of being court martialed. I've seen this happen with some of our great career soldiers and our Country is at risk because of these rules. Thank you Dr. Zur for bringing these issues into the light.
08/20/09 08:19:39
Sheryl Lowthan-Haynes, Counselling Psyc. wrote:
There is always consequences for things that are done out of the what was commanded for man to do. I noticed that David's infifelity was mention but he repented from his actions after.The reasons man and women cheat is not always noble,there are sometimes selfish reasons why this is done and someone will be hurt in the end. Fun and excitement may be present at first but bitterness will be there in the end. For a marriage to survive there has to be full and sincere forgiveness and repentance. I believe there is something lacking in a relationship that causes a spouse to cheat, it maybe companionship, communication between spouse my be strained or non-existent and the physical attraction may have lost its appeal.
Premartial counselling is essential as this where the couples get the guidance that helps them build a relationship that can be affair and infidelity proof.
08/20/09 07:11:14
Stephanie Buehler, MPW, PsyD, CST wrote:
I am going to address Dr. Levy's comment that "sexual problems are almost always relationship problems." As a sex therapist, I think this view is harmful in that many psychologists believe that if you fix the relationship, you fix the sexual issues. Not so. Sex education stops in middle school, the rest is learned on the playground and from peers. So many couples of all ages struggle with sexual issues that run the gamut, from inhibitions to delayed ejaculation. Infertility treatments don't help, either.
I don't have figures, but clinically, my guess is that some people cheat because they are sexually unfulfilled. That is how someone can be happily married and cheat--they may love their spouse but have little or no sexual activity. It just seems easier to go outside the marital relationship for some.
08/19/09 18:23:10
Carol Edwards wrote:
Polygamous, monogamous - the human condition is one heck of a trip and then add to the confusion the ownership claim that churches make on the contents of the womb and how important it is to pass the family fortune and name to the "real son or daughter" and there you have it. What I see as crucial in my own life and in my practice is not the "event" but the amazing resiliency people tap into as they work through the difficulty. People are so very brave.
08/19/09 08:48:32
Rachel Cox wrote:
I tend to disagree that infidelity is just linked to opportunity. I think that there are some unresolved core marital issues at the root of the problem. So when the opportunity to act on an affair is presented, the desire to move towards the fantasy of the affair becomes more attractive than tolerating the discomfort of a "stuck" marriage, even with all the pain, risk and loss it may bring. I see it more as a way to distract oneself from dealing directly with the marital issues, as well as unconsciously forcing the issues to the surface by getting caught.
08/19/09 08:18:45
Cate Potyen, MA MFT wrote:
A before-coffee thought . . . . Let's ot forget that the family pain often extends to the guilt and confusion of the person who steps outside the marriage as well as the person who is "cheated" on. I see both in my practice and agree with Ana. Now . . .coffee!
08/19/09 07:03:57
Lizza P. Teves, M.A,, RGC wrote:
It is so sad to know that there are individuals who keep the fact that humans are apart from the 3% of the monogamous mammals and take this as the best excuse to explain their betrayal toward their partner with whom they promised with fidelity.
While it is a fact that humans are polygamous by nature, it is also a fact that humans are vulnerable to pain and once trust is shattered it will never be the same again - emotions are indeed fragile. What is more painful is that the victims of infedility are not only the partners themselves but the children who don't choose to be in the situation but are innocent who become victims of the circumstances. In most cases, they are the most affected and as a result become at - risk individuals. They are usually faced with social issues such as delinquency, depression, and even suicide. It indeed takes a personality to grasp the lessons of infedility and keep the family intact. Perhaps, it requires a strong support group for the victim to be able to keep his/her composure to save the marriage.
08/19/09 02:29:16
Albert R.Levy,PhD wrote:
"Cheating" parents,"infidelity" are terms of moral criticism. The church and many therapists love these terms but they are not explanatory. Just because people claim they are OK and happy does not mean they are. Sexual problems are almost always relationship problems and I'll bet lots of money that few couples who sleep with other people are happy. BUT,who gets to define what is happy or normal is? That is the question. Who decides these matters? Me,you,the APA,Dr.Phil, The Supreme Court, Oprah, Gottman? Who?
It's impossible to do any kind of research in this area because it has become moralistic as well as (sexually) politicized. Once an issue has become politicized,science and facts goes out the window. About kids.Affairs do not screw up kids. Nor does divorce. Screwed up parents screw up kids. Ask kids who parents hated each other. The psychopathology of the parents fuels all the trouble. Not their sexual behavior. There is individual psychopathology involved. But,you see,I run the risk of being critical of other people's behavior. What we need,but won't get from our profession or the politically correct APA or the psychoanalytically phobic DSM Task Force are any statements that tell about what is psychologically normal and what is psychologically abnormal. By the way,are couples who do not have sex outside marriage better or happier or are they simply clinically depressed and stuck in a loveless and sexless marriage? Albert R. Levy, Ph.D.
08/18/09 23:32:00
Ana L. Nogales, Ph.D. wrote:
Although infidelity has existed throughout history, that doesn’t negate the pain experienced by those who are betrayed; namely, partners as well as children of unfaithful parents. While infidelity doesn’t necessarily result in the break-up of a marriage, it always results in the loss of trust. In my book Parents Who Cheat: How Children and Adults Are Affected When Their Parents Are Unfaithful, adult children whose parents cheated reveal how they reacted with anger, confusion, shame, and resentment—and how the foundation of their family was very often shattered. As adults, these children of cheating parents often had trouble trusting their own partners. Some became cheaters themselves to prevent being cheated on. Nearly all those we interviewed for this book talked about how wounding a parent’s sexual betrayal can be for a child. Just because a behavior is understandable or deemed “normal” doesn’t mean it won’t cause painful repercussions.
Ana L. Nogales, Ph.D. Author, Parents Who Cheat http://www.ananogales.com
08/17/09 15:03:13
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August 06, 2009: Infidelity and Affairs: Myths & Facts
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