Re-Thinking "Don't Blame The Victim"
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Victims, Victimizers, and the Psychology of Victimhood Opening Statement By Ofer Zur, Ph.D. We have become a nation of victims, where everyone is leapfrogging over each other, competing for the status of victim, and where most people define themselves as some sort of survivor. We live in a culture where more and more people are claiming their own holocaust. While some victims are truly innocent (i.e., the child who is being molested, a victim in the other car in a drunk driving accident), most violence involves some knowledge, familiarity or intimacy between victims and victimizer. Exploring the psychology or the dynamic of victimhood has been suppressed and censored because it has been equated with "victim blaming". The victim stance is a powerful one - The victim's basic stance is that he or she:
"It is not my fault!," "I have been wronged!" and "I am owed!" are the essential victim's stance. The victim claim is not limited to the traditionally, truly abused and exploited underprivileged classes. The victim's stance of "Don't blame me!" is often accompanied with "I deserve this, this, and this!" the "rights industry" or the "rights movement" goes hand in hand with the victim industry. The incessant cry for empathy and justice by the victim industry reduces our capacity to deal with genuine victims, such as children who are molested, women who are raped and beaten, immigrants who are mistreated, etc. The victim culture creates a compassion fatigue, which interferes with helping those who truly need and deserve our help. Online articles: Online Course:
James A Glenn (B.A. Political Science) wrote:
I'm not sure what Dr. Zur is hoping to find by trying to explore what exactly does a victim do to cause their victimization. It's not matter of what a victim does, but what a victim comes to understand as a lack of a way out. Dr. McMaine describes this as "learned helplessness". In Doctor McMaine's example, nothing the victims did stopped the victim from being victimized. Everyone on earth avoids suffering and everyone desires the satisfaction of having power over a situation or a person. Nothing the victim does actually makes them the victim; it's the vulnerability that the victim possesses that gives power to a perpetrator (simple leverage), and leads to unavoidable suffering. And it's not what the victim can do as what bystanders do. People are fearful, they have their own vulnerabilities, and they don't want to get involved, so a victim is isolated in the specific abusive relationship, and people outside of that relationship become untrustworthy to a victim, especially when people blame the victim. The key to victimization is the vulnerability of the victim. if the victim has an unchangeable vulnerability, the perpetrator is always in power. The victim may need effective assistance or unconditional loyalty from another human being to change the power dynamic, this is why parents are crucial; but if we don't get involved and we blame the victim then we enhance the victims suffering, especially if we don't know the victims vulnerability
07/14/10 13:59:53
Ofer Zur, Ph.D. wrote:
A note from the moderator, Dr. Ofer Zur:
Sherry Walter wrote: “The categorization of "victimhood" from innocent to guilty by degrees of responsibility is an alarming practice and demonstrates a complete lack of knowledge on the subject -- especially the knowledge that comes from actually being victimized.” I want to make it clear that I share your deep care and concern for victims, Sherry, and have devoted large parts of my personal and professional life to compassionately help, support, and heal those who were abused and victimized. The categorization of victimhood from innocent to responsible is an attempt to identify those who are truly victims from those who use it as an excuse. By doing that, I believe, we can better focus our efforts and resources on compassionately helping those who were violated, abused and victimized and can better help empower true victims in ways to step out of the the vicious cycle of victimhood.
06/17/10 12:03:37
Sherry Walter wrote:
I am scared. People in helping professions who lack empathy and insight into how their own biases and/or inexperience inform their professional opinions on such complex matters as trauma and how it manifests in the individual is truly frightening. In fact, it leaves me feeling hopeless that people will never understand. The categorization of "victimhood" from innocent to guilty by degrees of responsibility is an alarming practice and demonstrates a complete lack of knowledge on the subject -- especially the knowledge that comes from actually being victimized. When you have been a victim of violence -- especially at the hands of a loved one -- it affects you at a fundamental level and if the violence is particularly cruel and prolonged, it can BREAK YOUR SPIRIT in ways unimaginable to someone who has never been broken. God help you if you unwittingly ask for help from someone who abides by this ridiculous standard of worthiness and deems you undeserving of help because you're not a true victim according to their judgment. God help us all. Where is mercy? Where is compassion? If you lack these traits, please get out of the helping profession – Now. You are doing more harm than good.
06/15/10 16:19:18
Amy Lloyd wrote:
I grew up as a girl, in a super fundamental christian family and married an abusive, controlling man. In 1990, at age 25, I decided to take responsibility and control of my life...and with absolutely no help - I started. This led me to a divorce in 1997 in which I lost eveything I ever loved (including my 3 beautiful children)in order to get away. There has been a lot of unfairness in my life, but I have chosen to look for the good, to make mistakes, forgive myself and others, and to see my own responsibility in the events that have happened - and to change! My main goals over the past 20 years have been to be happy and have peace and to never be a victim, or an angry or bitter person. I would like to share my story and this view point with others - but as an overcomer of obstacles - NOT as a victim!
04/27/10 14:20:48
Aaron Wiemeier MS, LPC wrote:
As a specialist in trauma and attachment, I work a great deal with the victim mentality. It is my belief however, that the true victim would benefit from a cultural shift away from the thought distortions that perpetuate this mentality. For example, as I am preparing a lecture for a general Psychology class I will be teaching - I once again came across in a textbook the statement that "what made this person angry." I once saw a 20/20 episode called Anger in America where prominent psychologists talked about and perpetuated this distortion over 20 times within the hour. The truth is, NO ONE MAKES ANGRY, or any other feeling for that matter. It is a choice; albeit a challenge to choose to shift your mood and perception, it is still non the less a choice. Your cerebral cortex has the capacity to override your innate limbic responses. Once a person accepts their feelings and subsequent behavior as choices, then and only then can they begin to heal and change their patterned behavior.
02/20/10 20:39:48
Margreta Klassen, Ph.D. FACAPP, Diplomat wrote:
Interesting discussion. I agree that it is relevant to distinguish true victims from those who are trying to hide a dependent personality disorder or something more anti-social. I have been treating adults who were sexually abused in chldhood, including a 90 year old woman who was incested by her father before age 12. It is my clinical experience that the trauma can persist for a life time if not treated, similarly to PTSD symptoms of military people. Any of us may regress at any time when threatened with an event that triggers abusive memories. Perhaps the sensitivity of the individual may predict the longevity of the symptoms. Fear of being violated is a healthy fear, it is the coping mechanisms for handling this fear that is important. Often the age of the person at the time of the trauma may predict the ability to construct a positive belief as Dr. Brinkley suggests. The stage of cognitive development achieved in adulthood may suggest the ability to use CBT and the suggestion that body therapies be utilized is a wise one.
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12/29/09 13:13:03
John Lucas wrote:
I think that the key to avoiding the adoption of a victim identity is true healing, which involves compassion for oneself and for others. Compassion for an abuser simply means recognizing that they are cut off from their humanity--that it was never actually about you or a reflection of your innate value. It was about their own pain. This isn't meant as justification for abuse. Instead, it is meant as a path to healing. I like Steven Stosny's approach to healing, which he describes in this post on victimhood:
http://www.psychologytoday....
09/29/09 09:46:27
Lee Myerhoff, Ph.D. wrote:
I believe that true victims of abuse of any kind are not the victims of the "hood" of which Zur speaks. The true victims of abuse rarely feel "entitled" to "what is owed" them. The victims that feel "entitled" and "owed to" are often victims of social forces frequently out of their control. Their victimhood may relate to their own behavior. Many people in the same situation do not react with the sense that they are entitled to recompense for their misfortunes. What makes the difference between these two groups? Often the secondary benefits attract some and not others. What makes the difference? Psychologists have been teasing out these differences for a long time. But the seeking of secondary benefits may lead some, not all, to embrace the victimhood stance with the face of entitlement. All victims of "societal abuse" do not feel entitled and most do not feel themselves victims needing justice. Perhaps they should, and perhaps our compassion fatigue needs recharging.
[Moderator note: Excellent differentiation between 'true' victims and 'entitled' ones.]
09/23/09 10:00:03
Albert R.Levy,PhD wrote:
You can let yourself get victimized by the belief that whatever bad happens to you is deserved--like a deserved punishment. "God is punishing me". "I must have been bad and that's why I have cancer" Think now of how certain religions use guilt to control (and guilty people can be controlled by that guilt). And the guilt I am talking about is irrational and unconscious guilt.
09/13/09 13:33:23
Sara Duniven, Certified Hypnotherapist wrote:
To be simple for clarity's sake. As a very young child I endured the torture of ongoing sexual abuse. As a young adult I couldn't say no to anyone and had a vacuum where self should be. I could feel others' energy extremely vividly and often felt overwhelmed by it. There was no central column or channel within myself that I could feel. Chronic depression,wanting to sleep so as not to exist, isolation and a sense of floating marked my existence.
Now I am 54. I can say no oftentimes (though I still feel a need to soften it). I tend to avoid harsh people if I can because I seem to be hyper-sensitive to emotional energy, light, sound, cruelty. I am a hypnotherapist, deeply empathic, deeply intuitive. I still feel others' energy very strongly but have learned how to connect with my center and hold there. "Victim" is but a concept. I can say that the abuse still affects me every moment I breathe. It is in the body. What healing I have done is through the body. EMDR, Hakomi,massage,celibacy, shamanic ritual. The deep imprint of "you don't deserve to live" remains. However, I have and continue to stack pleasurable, self-expressive, meaning-filled experiences on the other side. As these experiences multiply, the abuse loses some power. Trauma leaves a permanent imprint. Many must fight tooth and nails to build for themselves even a simple life. Love goes far as help.
08/29/09 22:17:23
Michael J. McMains, Ph.D. wrote:
For ten years, I developed, managed and supervised a section of the police department in San Antonio called the Victims Advocacy Section. It's mission was to prevent violence, primarily domestic violence. Additionally, I have worked professionally with multiple people who have been in life threatening situations, both in the PD and the U.S. Army.
I think the answer is D-all of the above.People react to life-threatening incidents in a variety of ways-ranging from finding new strengths to being immobilized and stuck. DV victims frequently have been subjected to long periods of time in which nothing they did prevented their being abused-leading to "learned helplessness". Some people defined themselves as victims, some as survivors. Combat veterans and police officers who were involved in life-threatening incidents some times had an immediate reaction that could be called PTSD, some had a delayed reaction, most had little reaction. This is by way of saying, it is way too early to get polarized on this issue. We need to understand better why one person becomes a survivor while others become a "victim" and we need to develop programs and policies that reflect that understanding, not our particular a priori biases. I am looking forward to this dialog.
08/27/09 09:48:00
Samantha Nelson wrote:
While victims are not responsible for any abuse they have suffered, they are responsible for their own subsequent actions. For instance, a male child who is abused is a victim and is not responsible for the abuse he endured. However, if that male child grows up to be an abusive husband or a child molester himself, he certainly is responsible for that behavior. God created us all with free will and we CAN choose how we respond to something that has been done to us. Let's not make victims less than human by saying they have no choice about anything. Speaking as a former victim of multiple sexual abuses myself (and now a victim's advocate), it robs me of my dignity to say I am always a victim and not responsible for my own behavior in subsequent years. The perpetrator is responsible for the crime and abuse, but the victim is responsible for what he/she does with his/her life after that time.
08/20/09 09:08:09
Elliot Shamis, MS,LMHC,CCMHC wrote:
There is no question that people are often victimized. This is a matter of fact. People respond to being victims in a variety of ways : some seek help, others seek revenge, some seek solice in drugs and alcohol. Most people ultimately recover from being victimized. It is quite another thing, however, to choose to label oneself as a victim, with all the attendant problems that this choice entails. Many will read this and shout "victim blaming" (and quite angrily so). It is not. I have worked with many domestic violence over the years, most of whom don't view themselves as victims. But others are victims forever. It is a choice that brings some real perceived benefits, but not much happiness. Nor is it victim blaming to suggest that potential victims can do things to protect themselves. Consider this : your child is playing in the street, and a car is heading for your child at a dangerous speed. If the car hit and killed your child, your child would be the victim and it would be all the drivers fault. But wouldn't you hope, and in fact try your best, to get your child out of the way? A victim is never at fault for being a victim. In most cases, a victim is responsible for staying a victim.
08/19/09 14:36:14
Dr Mary Giuffra wrote:
I am not clear about the relationship between irrational emotions and victims. Emotions, being out of our control and largely a function of our physiology, are irrational by their very nature. They do not obey the laws of logic. However they add depth, spice and richness to our lives. Our thoughts can influence our experience of a particular situation. If we see a stick but think it is a snake, our emotional response will be affected. This is especially so with people who have experienced trauma.
For this reason, I have found Peter Levine's Somatic Experiencing trauma work (http://www.traumahealing.com) useful in addressing the fight/flight responses that are often frozen in terror from trauma while uncoupling those responses from the developmental,intergenerational, cultural and political issues that are so interwoven. A bully seeks vulnerability. Thawing those fozen fight flight responses provides fuel and energy. Reason allows us to choose how we express that emotion in a way that empowers us. Emotionally colored thinking reduces our freedom to respond consciously. However until we tap into empowering thoughts and perhaps some inner wisdom we can remain stuck in the victim- perpetrator dynamics. A person is victimized and then may continue to victimize him or herself with cruel self talk or destructive behaviors towards self unless the frozen fight/flight issues are addressed. As clinicians we can model behaviors that are free from victim-perpetrator dynamics. Mary Giuffra, Ph.D., APRN,LMFT http://www.drmarygiuffra.com
08/19/09 11:48:49
RMH wrote:
Wow it looks like some of the responders here didn't even read the essay before making politically correct knee-jerk reactions.
"The incessant cry for empathy and justice by the victim industry reduces our capacity to deal with genuine victims, such as children who are molested, women who are raped and beaten, immigrants who are mistreated, etc. The victim culture creates a compassion fatigue, which interferes with helping those who truly need and deserve our help." At no point in this essay did Dr. Zur discount the legitimacy of true victims of abuse, rape, violence, etc. In fact he advocated for them by suggesting that creating a culture where victimhood is not trendy -- true victims are helped.
08/19/09 07:29:48
Luciana Whipple wrote:
I am appalled at what Dr. Zur is proposing and at the comments of Michael Brickey. Dr. Ollar makes some excellent points. In addition, grieving - which is an integral part of the recovery process - is experienced differently by each individual and by people who have been victimized. Prolonged grief, mild or serious PTSD, depression and dissociation are other issues that are often present. Suggesting that victims should have a time-frame for getting over their grief, loss, trauma, and experience seems to me prepostorous, paternalistic, offensive and plain wrong because it does not take into account the complexity of the issues involved.
08/19/09 06:57:38
SA wrote:
"Don't reduce this complex issue into an opportunity to take the patriarchal stance that anyone who doesn't adequately fight back is not a true victim."
Indeed. I couldn't have said it better. The hunt for "a nation of victims" seems a thin mask for reinscribing power dynamics by labeling people "whiners," "complainers," and "professional victims." CBT type approaches that just tell people to change their "stinkin' thinkin'" are deeply disrespectful to people's experience of pain and suffering. No one ever changed because they were told their feelings were irrational. To quote the eminent Sue Johnson, "I have met some irrational thoughts, but I never met an irrational emotion."
08/19/09 00:46:37
Dr. Susan B. Ollar wrote:
As a long time clinician in hospital and private practice, I object to the tone of these postings about victimhood. Anyone who understands the dynamics of power and intimidation, physical and verbal threats, and the corrosive effects of trauma, would not be "exposing" the culpability of victims. Mothers are often threatened with the kidnapping and death of their children, powerful tools of coercion. Bullying tactics can take down the most confident person, if it persists chronically. Intermittent threats are most toxic, as one never knows when an attack will come. And finally, people (most often women) are motivated to stay because of compassion, feelings of obligation, and fear of retaliation. It is common for abusers to threaten suicide and to periodically be loving and kind, giving the victim what they have been starving for. Don't reduce this complex issue into an opportunity to take the patriarchal stance that anyone who doesn't adequately fight back is not a true victim. Remember the standards for rape? It is understood now that rape victims who don't fight back are still rape victims. I would be glad to continue this dialogue if it might be helpful.
Susan Ollar, Ph.D. boulderintegrativepsychology.com
08/18/09 23:01:38
Michael Brickey wrote:
Walking our talk:
Research finds that for a loss of a close family member, 50% of Americans only experience mild transient symptoms, 35-40% experience some disruptions for several months to two years, and 10-15% experience chronic depression. I attended a meeting for life coaches. The speaker was a psychologist colleague who talked about how life is whatever you construct it to be and you should construct positive meanings in your life. After the session, I overheard her and another colleague commiserating over how they had never gotten over their fathers’ deaths. If an audience member had asked a question about getting over a loss, I’m sure my colleague would have encouraged the person to construct a positive belief. Even psychologists often get sucked into victim mentality! Michael Brickey, Ph.D., ABPP http://agelesslifestyles.com
08/12/09 12:55:31
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