By Sharon Presley, Ph.D.
Source: Presley, S. (in press). “From Victim to Warrior: How to Question Experts and Stand Up to Authorities” Chapter Two in Standing Up to Experts and Authorities: How to Avoid Being Intimidated, Manipulated and Abused. Rego Park, NY: Solomon Press.
One Christmas Eve afternoon, Adela was driving a car borrowed from a friend. A cop pulled her over and gave her a present she didn’t need – a ticket for driving a car with expired plates. After handing the ticket over to the friend, she thought no more about it. But the friend flaked on her and the letters from the DMV started coming. Then three months later, a much more serious one arrived – a warrant demanding that she pay a large sum of money or else face arrest. She had to act.
Standing in line behind others at the ticket payment window downtown, she saw that the clerk was being ruthless, brooking no excuses. Adela knew she had a good defense so she demanded a hearing before a judge. The clerk scowled, insisting that the judge would be angry if Adela pursued the matter. Adela did not give in; she knew she had the right to a hearing.
At the hearing, Adela, presented her case. She had ignored the letters from the DMV, not only because her friend kept telling her that he would take of the problem, but also because she was distraught and worried about an important project she was working on. She produced a letter from her physician, stating that she was being treated for a stress-related condition.
Adela could have let herself be intimidated by the clerk’s haughty air and nasty insistence. She could have just meekly given in and paid the large sum even though she did not think that she had done anything wrong. But she knew that judges have more leeway to interpret rules than clerks do. She knew the power of paper, of documentation. She got that letter from her doctor. She stood up to authority and won – case and fine dismissed!
As children, we learned to defer to those who have power over us; we may have even learned to think of ourselves as powerless. Social science research tells us that as adults, many of us unconsciously adopt, often without questioning, social roles that play out these power scripts – parent-child, teacher-student, physician-patient, boss-employee.1 We automatically and unconsciously put ourselves into the roles of either the more or the less powerful. If we think of ourselves as the less powerful in these scenarios, we may imagine that we have no choice but to accept the advice of experts and the power of authority
Power is a frequently misunderstood word. There are two kinds of power – power over oneself and power over others.2 What you need to stand up to authorities and experts is not power over them, but power over your own attitudes and behavior. You don’t have to accept the powerless role you may have learned or adopted. You don’t have to be a victim.
The key is to understand how your power gets taken away from you – not necessarily through deliberate intent on the part of experts and authorities, though that can happen – but through the seduction of the situation and the unquestioned, unconscious power of scripts being played out.
Experts And Authorities Intimidate Us
Experts and authorities, whether intentionally or not, often intimidate us by virtue of their very expertise or status. They want us to believe them and do what they say. This doesn’t mean they are intentionally trying to scam us or scare us. Obviously the advice of experts is often reasonable, but even when we are not certain about how good their advice is, it can be hard to resist their influence. Usually, authority figures aren’t consciously trying to create fear or intimidation. But it’s a fact that they often do, and they exploit this fear (consciously or not) to get what they want, often to our detriment. When you have good grounds for questioning, you don’t have to cower before authorities or experts.
I’ve adapted many of the points below from Paula Caplan’s book, You’re Smarter Than They Make You Feel: How the Experts Intimidate Us and What We Can Do about It.. It’s an excellent book on critical thinking about experts that is now out of print but well worth the effort to track down a used copy.
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Right To Question
The first step is to realize that you have the right to challenge authorities. You have the right to question experts. In a very real sense, the experts are working for you. That means you’re the boss, not them. Even if the authority is a government official, remember that you, as a taxpayer, are ultimately footing part of the bill. Government is, after all, supposed to be your servant, not your master, so don’t be intimidated. In real life situations, we still sometimes lose sight of the fact that we do have the right to question what authorities and experts say.
Some people feel almost like children in the presence of authorities, but authorities are not our parents; we are not their children. As adults, we now have a responsibility to think for ourselves; we have the right to question things that don’t make sense to us. Lack of knowledge doesn’t mean that you should give authorities carte blanche to compel you to accept their advice without question.
Is it morally right to grant experts the power to make decisions for you, for them to make you feel that you have no right to complain or ask questions? What if a physician told your mother not to ask questions about her medications, even if she was having some troublesome side effects? Would that be acceptable? Of course not. If it’s not acceptable for the experts to treat your mother that way, why would it be OK for them to treat you that way? Bringing your fears out into the open and identifying exactly why you are afraid to speak up helps put things into perspective. Even if you find out that the experts are right, speaking up and finding out their reasons may give you peace of mind and make you feel less powerless.
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Be Prepared
The next step, in many cases, is to search out some facts or information about the issue or problem that you want to bring up with the expert. Where you look depends on the topic of your concern. The library, the Internet and even friends, are possible sources of information. After an operation for removal of a pituitary tumor, for example, Joyce felt weak and had trouble walking without a cane. When she looked up her medication on Internet medical sites, she learned that lower body weakness was a common side effect. This information allowed her to ask sensible questions of her physician and request a lower dosage of the drug and eventually a change in the medication. The doctor was not the problem; Joyce just needed to know the right questions to ask. By actively participating in her treatment, she felt more like an equal partner than merely a passive patient.
No matter what kind of expert you deal with, there’s a way to find information that will make you savvy and well-informed. If your plumbing needs fixing and you don’t know an ell-joint from a plunger, ask a friend who is a fix-it whiz what questions to ask. Or check out the web sites of the TV home improvement shows or the home improvement stores; they have lots of tips and information. If you want to make a request of a government official, look up the relevant rules and regulations. Many city and state codes are posted on the Internet. If you want to ask for a raise, look up the average salary for your job. That may be on the Internet too. Be creative and give some thought about where to find the information you need. If you’re not good with searches on the Internet, ask a computer-savvy friend or even the librarian at your public library to help you. Some articles that may help you search are listed in the Resources section.
Knowledge is power. Armed with relevant information, you’ll be able to ask better and more well-informed questions. By presenting yourself as a knowledgeable person who is actively participating in the process, you are less likely to be seen as a supplicant and more likely to gain respect from the authority.
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List Of Questions
Before your appointment, arm yourself with a list of questions that you’d like to have answered. You might ask about, for example, what the different approaches or alternatives are, what the pros and cons for each alternative are, how long will it take to implement the advice, how long will it take for the approach to be effective, and what the long-term implications or consequences of each approach are likely to be. If the expert favors a particular approach, ask him to explain his reasons.
Writing out questions will help your mind from going blank when you confront the power of the authority or the jargon of the expert. If the experts know that you have this list, they will also be more likely to assume you’ve thought about the issue and have some knowledge. This may make them more cooperative and less likely to try to fool you or gloss over your concerns. A list can help you gauge time and distribute it sensibly. If the discussion veers off, you can, for example, remind the expert that you still have additional questions.
Paulina, a former student of mine, is a shy person who often gets flustered when confronted with authority. When she felt that her boss was upset with her because of an incident that occurred when she was invited to dinner at his house, she came to me for advice. I suggested she organize her thoughts on paper. Here’s what she said about my advice: “The first thing I did was write down everything I felt was important to mention to my boss. At times I can get really nervous. I often forget what I want to say and of the things I do say, it usually doesn’t make sense or I forget important details. Writing everything down was very helpful in this situation. By doing so, I did not leave out any important information and the discussion matter was in a thoughtful and organized manner. On my sheet of paper, I also wrote down the times I wanted to show my boss the Internet articles. This way I could remember to show him the articles that corresponded with what I was explaining.” Her discussion with the boss went well and, she reported, the work atmosphere is much less tense. Paulina added, “Your advice has given me the confidence to handle a stressful situation. I feel like I was able to stand up for myself and my values, as well as call attention to and end being treated rudely.”
A list is like having an ally with you. It supports you and backs you up, just as an ally would. It gives you a powerful tool that allows you to have control of the situation and direct the flow of information, thus maintaining a balance between you and the expert.
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Put It In Writing
If you have a complaint or a conflict that needs to be resolved, prepare as much documentation as you can. A written document is far more powerful than verbal descriptions. For one thing, it suggests that a copy exists elsewhere as a record that cannot be brushed aside or ignored by the authority as verbal comments could be. For example, if you are being harassed at work, keep track of the particulars with a notebook. Jot down the details of each encounter with the person harassing you – exactly what happened, what time and date, who the witnesses were, if any, and any other relevant information. If the street you live on desperately needs a stop sign, document the accidents and near misses. Canvass your neighbors for their observations; gather signatures on a petition.
Be creative about what documentation might support your case, as Adela did in the case cited at the beginning of this chapter. Sometimes, we can anticipate how documentation might save the day. Consuela, a high school teacher, occasionally ran into the problem of parents who lied to the administration. Even though she had met with these parents about their child’s poor grades, they insisted to the principal that they had never talked to her. The principal was reluctant to contradict the parents. After several similar incidents, Consuela learned to document everything and record all conferences.
Having documentation makes your request look more legitimate and your excuses less lame. Examples of documentation may include photos, videos, signed affidavits, witness statements, police or medical reports, or relevant expert literature. As a college professor, I am in a position of authority over my students. Around exam time, I hear a lot of excuses about why they are missing the test. Auto accidents, dying grandmothers, and flu epidemics seem to “somehow” dramatically increase right before a crucial exam. If a student brings me actual written proof of illness, accident or funeral, I’m much more likely to allow them a makeup exam.
Be prepared with documentation before your meeting. Don’t wait for the authority to ask. Having intelligent questions or written documentation will also make you feel more self-confident and more powerful. That feeling of self-confidence is an important aspect of your next step – mental preparation or psyching yourself up.
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Mental Preparation: Psych Yourself Up
Your mental attitude will have a big impact on how well you deal with the expert or authority. Your mental status is important; the person you are facing may pick up on your fear and uncertainty. If you go in with mental hat in hand, with an air of timidity or abject deference, you’ve already defeated yourself. You have allowed yourself to be in a power down position. Mentally preparing or psyching yourself up will help you come to the situation with the right mental set. Assume that your cause is just and your questions reasonable. That’s what Adela did. She was polite but confident before the judge. Be on the offensive, not the defensive.
Even if you don’t feel totally self-confident, behave as if you did. “Fake it till you make it” is sound psychological advice in this context.3 Not only will you make a stronger impression on the expert, the mere act of behaving as if you are self-confident can create a self-fulfilling prophecy. An air of confidence will make a difference in the way experts interact with you and make you feel more powerful.
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Dress For Your Success
A confident demeanor isn’t the only way to have an impact on the expert. How you dress can make a difference too. The research that I discussed in Chapter One shows that appearance and dress can make a big difference in how you perceive authority.4 It can make a difference in how they perceive you too. Use this information to your advantage.
Most of us are familiar with the concept of “dress for success.” Though you and I may disagree with some of the specifics suggested by the book of that name (e.g., wear navy blue business suits), there’s no question that your appearance has a major impact on how others perceive you. Dress in a way that makes you feel good about yourself and makes you feel powerful. There are no fixed rules – what makes us feel powerful won’t be the same for everybody. However, it’s often a good idea to dress in a way that puts you on the same level with the expert, a peer rather than a supplicant. If you have an appointment with your lawyer or with a government official, for example, dress in a professional way – either a business suit or dressy casual, depending on which makes you feel most comfortable. In any meeting with a professional or bureaucrat, you need to appear serious but also need to feel at ease. Even if you are taking your car to a mechanic, a professional appearance can put you in a position of greater credibility than T-shirts and ragged jeans, particularly if you are a woman.
One of my favorite stories about the power of dress comes from a former student of mine. Krystal, a 30-ish black woman, took her young daughter in to see her physician at the HMO. Because of time constraints, she had to go to the appointment right after work and so was wearing a business suit instead of the jeans and sweatshirt she would have normally worn. Usually in this HMO, patients get whisked through as fast as possible. Instead Krystal was amazed at how much time the physician took and how thorough his exams and questions were. Because she had already learned about the power of appearance in my social psychology class, she (correctly, I suspect) attributed the change in the way she and her daughter were treated to the fact that she was dressed in the business suit.
It isn’t fair, but research shows that women are more likely to be judged by their appearance than men so having a smart, tailored appearance can be even more important for a woman than a man.5 Find the right balance – not too frilly and “feminine,” not too “masculine” looking, and not too provocative either. Appearing too glamorous or seductive will backfire. You want to be taken seriously, not auditioned for the casting couch.
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Fine Tune Your Approach
Sometimes, it can be helpful to think about the right approach and the most effective communication style before a meeting. Though you should be prepared to be firm but nonthreatening, regardless of the situation, different situations may call for different approaches. If your meeting is with a professional (e.g., lawyer, accountant, financial adviser), for example, ask questions without seeming to question his authority. Don’t put him on the defensive by asking hostile questions. Be prepared to speak calmly in a quietly assertive manner. Don’t be rude or pushy. If you are meeting with your boss, approach her as a team player. Be mentally prepared to be helpful and cooperative while making your request. It may be appropriate, for example, to point out some of the ways that you are an asset to the team.
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Establish Rapport
When you first meet with an expert or authority, it’s important to set the right tone. Start out the meeting in a pleasant manner. Be prepared with a disarming question or a statement that will establish rapport or put you on equal grounds with the other person. You might begin, for example, by asking a question that you know the authority may be willing to answer and may feel good about. For example, “What do you think is the problem here?” or “Is this a common problem?” A comment that establishes common ground can also help set the pleasant tone you seek, as long as it doesn’t sound phony. For example, “I know you are as concerned as I am about the issue of urban pollution…” or “I really like the tropical fish in your office. I used to raise them” may help establish rapport. This can decrease the likelihood of the expert being defensive. If you hate the idea of stroking the expert’s ego, suggests psychologist Paula Caplan, don’t think of it as an “ego stroke” – think of it as setting a pleasant, cooperative tone.6 There is a difference.
Even if the purpose of your meeting is to present a complaint, resist the temptation to be confrontational or belligerent. Being rude will put the expert on the defensive and make her less likely to grant your request or come up with a suitable solution. I understand how tempting it is to be hostile when you are angry about a problem or issue but remember to ask yourself what are your goals – to be righteous or to get information and results? The end result of establishing rapport, rather than being rude, is an open channel of communication, where the authority or expert will be more likely to actually hear what you say.
Questions To Be Answered
At the beginning of your conversation, tell the authority or expert how many questions you’d like to have answered. Ask how much time can be set aside. If it’s not enough, ask for more time or another appointment. Confirming these details at the beginning is “setting the agenda.” By taking the initiative to set the agenda, you have control and have created a better balance of power. This gives you an advantage. You may want to give the expert a written list of your questions. When you have a list of five clearly important questions, the authorities who really want to help may be less likely to say “Well, our time is up.” It can also jolt them into realizing that their time constraints are unreasonable. If the experts are truly professional and reasonable, they will be happy to answer questions. If they are unwilling, you may want to seek advice elsewhere.
By being assertive, you are more likely to get your important questions answered. On the other, be aware of the practical limitations of a long list of questions. Be selective about the questions to be asked. Rank them in order of importance or priority. In any given visit, you may not have time to ask every question that occurs to you. Don’t expect the expert to answer too many questions at one time. Suddenly adding more questions toward the end of the meeting is likely to annoy the expert. When I discussed my book idea with one of my physicians, he agreed that a written list of questions or symptoms was very helpful but mentioned that questions thrown at him at the last minute were disruptive to the schedule and put him in an awkward spot. If you have too many questions, you may have to schedule a longer visit or come back another time. Remember that annoying the expert unnecessarily will not help you get want you want.
Take Notes
Bring a notebook with you. As your authority or expert speaks, take careful notes. This may increase your critical thinking as well as theirs. Taking notes forces you to focus on the essence of what’s being said and helps you spot inconsistencies. The authority will almost certainly be more careful and responsible about what he is saying if the words will be written down. Be careful, this can also backfire if he gets defensive. If the authority reacts defensively, make mental notes instead and write your thoughts down immediately after the meeting. Taking notes that you can refer to later or jotting down notes after the conversation can help you spot lapses in logic or a failure to answer your questions.
The persuasive strategies that authorities use to mold your thinking will have less power over you when you are taking notes. Not only will you be less attentive to such cues while you are taking notes, the act of writing puts you in a more equal give-and-take situation. You are no longer merely a passive supplicant, you are an active participant. This subtle change in the balance of power can have a positive effect on your self-confidence as well as changing the authority’s perception of you. Unless the authority becomes defensive, your active participation is likely to enhance your credibility and increase his estimation of your intelligence and seriousness.
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Ask To Explain Jargon
When experts use highly technical specialized language or say something you don’t understand, ask the expert, “Would you please explain that in words I can understand?” Don’t be shy about this. Sometimes jargon is used to fool you, sometimes it’s just because the experts forget that they’re using jargon. Either way, they have an obligation to make things clear to you. Remember that whether you are paying for their services or not, they are, in a psychological sense, in your employ. That means that their job is to provide you with information you can use, not just show off how much they know.
Spot Nonverbal Cues
Watch out for the symbols of authority I discussed in Chapter One. This includes dress, arrangement of furniture, and body language. Being aware of them can neutralize any potential negative effect on you. Is there a desk between you and the expert? Push your chair to the side if possible. If that isn’t practical, rest your hands or notebook on the desk. Claiming part of the space subtly shifts the power to a more balanced situation. If even that is not practical, mentally remove the desk. If the expert is being particularly pompous or intimidating, imagine him with a silly hat on or use some other mental technique to remove the sting of his manner.
Be aware of your nonverbal body language.7 Are you slumping over? Sit up straight. Watch out for clues that you are tense or nervous. Don’t draw your body in, with arms crossed, shoulders forward. Be expansive. Perhaps put your arms on the arm of the chair instead of meekly in your lap. Make steady eye contact; don’t keep looking down. Eye contact, good posture, and expansive gestures, as research shows, are all associated with being perceived as powerful.
Watch Your Language
Be alert to your use of language. Language can communicate either power or weakness.8 Speak carefully and clearly – don’t mumble. Put energy into your voice without overdramatizing your concerns. Don’t speak too softly. A soft or flat tone makes you sound weak. Avoid sounding whiny or begging. This will turn people off and annoy them or make them take you less seriously. Be crisp, positive and mildly assertive in your tone. Rehearse with friends or family until you feel confident, if necessary. If this seems like “putting on an act,” than so be it. Remember the adage “fake it till you make it.”
Watch out for other uses of language that can make you appear weak. Tag lines that turn statements into questions (e.g., “This is a good plan, isn’t it?”) and rising inflections at the end of sentences that, in effect, turn them into questions may be perceived, particularly by men, as indicating uncertainty or lack of confidence.9 Such language will put you in a power down position. Avoid meaningless words such as “um” or “like” when used as an interjection (e.g., “Like, you know what I mean?”). If you find yourself using language this way, train yourself not to do it, at least in the presence of authorities.
Sometimes a question may contain its own answer. Consider the following scenario and three different ways of stating the same question: a timid student knocks at your door and asks “You don’t want to buy a box of band candy, do you?” This sets up the student for defeat. A more neutral way of asking the question is “I’m selling candy to raise money for our school band. Would you like to buy some?” Obviously a better approach. But there’s a third way that may be appropriate in some contexts: “Wouldn’t you like to buy some band candy?” This assumes already that the customer would like to buy the candy. Same content in all three questions, but the form of the question is likely to affect the outcome. Think about how you state your questions. Don’t set yourself up for defeat.
A behavior that puts you in a power down position is letting others interrupt what you are saying. Research shows that men are more likely to interrupt women than vice versa, so if you are female, be especially on your guard.10 Don’t let experts (or your colleagues) interrupt you. Be polite but firm. You might say something like “I know that you have some important points to make, but I also need to state my case. Please let me finish what I’m saying.” Or “I think the conversation will go more smoothly if we take turns speaking.” It’s important to maintain a balance of power in meetings with authorities even if you have to actively challenge them on a behavior that disempowers you.
Another subtle way language can be used by authorities, however unintentionally, to put you in a power down position is through the use of nonparallel uses of names (e.g., the boss is called by her last name, the clerk by his first name). Psychologist Nancy Henley’s research, for example, shows the more powerful are likely to be called by their last name and the less powerful by their first name (e.g., boss-secretary, teacher-student, lawyer-client).11 Unless the custom is so strongly established that questioning it could backfire (e.g., physicians or professors – unless they say otherwise), insist on being addressed as an equal. If your attorney introduces himself as Mr. Jones, ask him to address you as Mr. or Ms. (or Dr., if appropriate!) Smith. If the expert uses her own first name in introducing herself, then by all means, use her first name and allow her to use your first name. Parallel usage is especially important for women because lack of it adds to the subtle power differential that continues to exist between women and men, even in modern society. If the introduction doesn’t include exchange of names, you have to make a judgment call about whether it is more appropriate to call the expert by first or last name.
If you have a title (e.g., Ph.D.), use it when appropriate. Occasionally some people are shy about using their Ph.D. because they don’t want to appear pompous. False or excessive modesty is a disempowering liability. You probably don’t want to use the title with your neighbors, but in encounters with experts and authorities, it will bump up your status considerably, thereby putting you in a more powerful position. Kendra was in a minor arbitration dispute with a university. The arbitrator, being polite, asked her if she preferred to be called “Miss” or “Ms.” Recognizing that this was as situation where she needed to appear firm and not weak, Kendra responded brightly, “Actually, it’s Dr.” Just for the record, she won the arbitration.
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Don’t Be Indiscriminately Polite
Being polite is the civil thing to do and it’s good for establishing rapport too, but don’t overdo it. Being excessively polite when it isn’t called for puts you in a power down position. Many people have been taught that it’s rude to be assertive or that it’s not nice to talk back to authority figures. But stop and think about it – is asking questions or standing up for yourself rude? If someone is rude to you or trying to harm you, are you obligated to be polite? Why should you? Don’t get stuck in the trap of inappropriate politeness. Don’t worry about whether the authorities think you are too pushy or impolite or simply not very nice for asking questions. If they are treating you badly, why should you care what they think of you? Remember the point is not to convince them that you are nice but to get the information you need!
One common example of overpoliteness is apologizing when it is neither necessary nor appropriate. If you are paying the expert, you have nothing to apologize for. Even if you are not paying them, they are presenting themselves as experts who can provide advice – that’s their job. You are not imposing on them; don’t act like you are. Here’s a typical example. I had a student once – a 50-ish woman, intelligent but oversocialized to be polite. Nina kept apologizing for asking questions and even for coming to my office hours. I gently told her that my office hours were for her benefit, not mine, so she didn’t need to apologize. I did not interpret her behavior as weak, but it’s likely that she was overly apologetic in other contexts where her deferent attitude would be interpreted negatively.
Apparently being overly apologetic is a common problem that many women recognize in themselves. Whenever I talk about it in class, I always see heads nodding. Depending on your culture or your gender, some of you may have been conditioned to be polite in every encounter and to avoid being confrontational at all costs. My advice is – get over it! If someone is acting boorish, being condescending, or worse yet, trying to pull a fast one because you are a woman or from a non-American culture, they are the rude ones, not you. Once they step over the line of civil behavior, they are no longer automatically entitled to polite treatment. Don’t let yourself be intimidated by their boorishness.
Take Time To Think
Experts, for example, salespeople, often use high-pressure techniques to get you to go along with them. “This special offer ends soon, act now…” or “We need your decision right now…” are examples of common ploys. If you are being pressured to make a decision or agree to something in a voluntary situation (this suggestion won’t work if you are stopped by the police!), ask for time to think about it. Sometimes just taking a few minutes to think outside the expert’s presence and power can give you the mental and emotional space you need to think clearly. Have a set of standard phrases prepared that you can use when necessary, for example, “Your suggestion is very interesting. Let me think it over and get back to you” or “My policy is to always think about any important decision for a few days.” Get things in writing. If the expert still pressures you, just leave and don’t come back.
Look For Bias
Think about whether vested interests, close-minded points of view, stereotyping, or prejudice are present in your encounter with the authority or expert. When you recount your interactions with authorities to your friends and family, ask them if they hear signs that the authorities are biased. For example, is the plumber pushing you to OK an expensive redo of all the plumbing in the house without convincing you of the need? Maybe he just wants to inflate his bill. Does your therapist seem intent on getting you to blame your family even if you had a good relationship with them? Ask yourself whether you feel uncomfortable about pressure from the expert. If you do, then it’s a smart idea to examine what he or she is saying more closely.
Be aware of how aspects of your appearance can potentially have an impact on how you are perceived. Be alert for the possibility of bias based on stereotyping – on the basis of age (too young or too old), ethnicity, occupation or other factors about you. Take our earlier example of Krystal, the black woman who wore a suit to see her daughter’s physician. Every black person is aware that subtle, unrecognized stereotypes may be operating against them when they are dealing with white people. Because the business suit made her look like the professional she is, wearing it helped offset some of that potential stereotyping.
Age is another potential basis for stereotyping that can interfere with effective interactions with authorities and experts. Donna took her aging mother, Beatrice, to the doctor’s office. Beatrice had a double strike against her – she was in her 70’s and was hearing-impaired. The hearing problem made her seem less alert than she actually was. Even though she was intelligent and not the least bit senile, the physician was condescending in his tone and spoke more to Donna than to Beatrice. What Donna should have done was politely but firmly say to the doctor that her mother was hard of hear, then ask him to speak up a little more loudly and talk directly to Beatrice. Ageism is a kind of prejudice. Don’t let experts treat you or your loved ones differently simply because you (or they) are older.
At the opposite end of the age spectrum, young people often have trouble being treated appropriately. If you think you look too young to be taken seriously, take steps to give yourself more credibility and bridge the generation/culture gap. Wear professional-looking or dressy casual clothes to your appointment. Don’t wear the latest fads or your old comfy jeans. Save that for your friends. Be careful of your language and tone. Don’t use slang that makes you look flip or that might not be understood by an older generation. Be professional in your demeanor. However, in my experience, many young people today are just as likely to be snippy and rude as deferent and unsure of themselves. Being snippy and flip with authorities may be emotionally satisfying, but it won’t get you what you want. It won’t make you look more powerful, it will just make you look too immature to be taken seriously.
If you run the risk of being stereotyped in other ways, whatever it may be, offset its possible effect by dressing smartly, being courteous, speaking clearly and calmly, being well-prepared, and asking intelligent questions.
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Bring Backup
Emotions or overinvolvement in an issue can make it hard for you to be composed or objective. If you are seeking advice about a complicated or emotionally charged issue, bringing a friend or relative along as backup can be very beneficial. The police do it when responding to a dangerous or suspicious call; you should too. Another person can be a more objective observer than you and provide you with moral support to boot. If, for example, you are seeing a medical doctor about a life-threatening disease, a trusted friend can calmly ask the questions you are too upset to think of at the time. If you need to talk to a lawyer about a complicated legal issue that is upsetting to you, someone less emotionally entangled in the issue may be able to help you get through the meeting better than you could on your own. Having a friend along will also make the situation seem less intimidating.
If you need to buy a product or obtain technical services that you know nothing about, having a more knowledgeable person along may save you from spending unnecessary money or getting something you don’t need. If, for example, you want to buy a new computer but don’t know a floppy drive from a motherboard, having a computer whiz along to ask about all the right features will increase your chances of getting what you really need and nothing more. Businesses make frequent use of consultants; you can too.
Gender stereotypes can have a big impact here. Women especially have to watch out for shady dealings when it comes to products and services traditionally associated with males. A sly kind of sexism sometimes occurs when a woman is buying, for example, a computer or a car or, most classic of all, taking her car to a new mechanic. The mere presence of a male, even if he wouldn’t know a carburetor if it came up and tipped its hat, will discourage most shyster attempts. If this seems too old-fashioned and even a little sexist, ask yourself what’s more important – making an ideological statement or getting what you want without getting ripped off?
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Ask: Are You Being Treated Fairly?
Consider whether the suggestion by the expert seems unfair or inconsistent. If you yourself are the one who needs help from the system, always ask yourself, “If my parent or child or best friend were being dealt with in this way, would I consider it unfair, biased, or cavalier? In what way? Is the authority simply too rushed to give me a full explanation of what is happening? Would I be furious if he treated someone I care about in that way?” It’s often easier to see unfairness when we imagine others in the situation rather than ourselves.
When Chuck was in junior high school, he took French and English classes during the summer. Even though he got 100% on the final exams, the high school he transferred to refused to give him credit. Insisting that the rule was hard and fast, the person he spoke to in the administrative office claimed that they did not give credit for work done at other schools. Though reluctant to speak up, he realized that if this had happened to his sister, he would have been furious. He also realized that no one was likely to pay attention to a 13-year-old so he told his father, Sam, about it. The father made an appointment with the principal the next day. At first the principal quoted the rules, as expected. But Sam, insisting that the rules were unfair, kept pointing out that Chuck had spent the whole hot summer studying instead of playing like the other kids. The principal was so impressed with Sam’s appeal that Chuck was granted credit for both classes.
Let me be clear on one thing. My advice is not intended for people who want to con the system themselves. Be honest with yourself about whether you are actually being treated unfairly. Chuck had a legitimate gripe. He has taken the classes in good faith, done well in them, and has a perfectly reasonable expectation that the credits would be transferable. That isn’t always the case. Linda, an 8th-grade teacher, had a student who was warned time and time again, along with her parents, that failing grades would keep her from graduating. When it came time for graduation and it was clear that Dana, the student, was not going to getting the diploma, her parents accused Linda of having it in for Dana. They were unwilling or unable to see that Dana was the problem, not the teacher.
If your gripe is unfair, take responsibility for it and accept the negative consequences. Being honorable is more important than winning at all costs. Just on a practical level, asking for what you don’t deserve can easily backfire and make the authority resentful and even less likely to help you.
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Watch For Lies
Watch for blatantly false or highly suspicious statements. Psychologist Paula Caplan gives the example of an “expert” who claimed that the (alleged) fact that there are no women chess masters suggested to him that women’s spatial abilities are inferior.12 This outrageous statement so startled her that she questioned his other, more complex claims too. (There are women chess masters, by the way).13 The claims of salespeople are especially suspect. While at a beauty supply house to buy shampoo, Betty was told by the clerk that using the shampoo available at drug stores was like washing with Ajax cleanser. Betty was willing to believe that some of the more expensive shampoos were better in quality, but this statement was just too much. She left without buying anything. If an expert makes a statement that you find questionable or offensive, don’t just ignore it. It’s a red flag telling you to be alert and summon your critical thinking skills.
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Ask For Written Information
Information gathering doesn’t just occur before your meeting with experts. Always ask for written information when it’s appropriate. Ask for brochures or articles that you can take away with you, so that you can think critically about the issues when you are on your own or with friends or family. If no written material is available from the expert, ask for lay references you can look up for yourself online or in a library. Not only do you want all the information that you can comfortably digest to help you make decisions, asking for more information will give you more credibility with the expert. She will see that you are serious and willing to be an active, intelligent participant in dealing with the problem.
Look for relevant material on the Internet. Learn to use search engines effectively. Here are a few suggestions for those unfamiliar with searches (yes, such people exist, and include some of my friends). Start with the major directory/search sites, such as Google or Yahoo. If you get too many hits to look through, narrow the search by including additional terms. For example, “plumbers” is too general; you will get thousands of hits. “Plumbers complaints” still gets too many. “Plumbers complaints California” gets the California State Contractors Licensing Board, complete with instructions on filing a complaint.
Watch for synonyms and equivalent terms. For example, what we call an “intercom”, the Navy calls “Interior Communications”; the Air Force and Naval Aviation like to use the acronym “ICS.” If you were looking for industrial strength intercoms for a business, you would never find the vendors who sell mostly to the Military without including their jargon. You may have to poke around a bit till you see what terms are going to work for you.
Most search/directory sites have a “help” button to assist with search tips; most of them also have an “advanced” button, allowing more complex searches. For example, searching on “interior communications” gets lots of resumes where people have had this type of training in the Military. The advanced search allows you to search on “interior communications” and filter out any hits with the word “resume” in them. Play around for a while till you get the hang of it. Also try more than one search engine. Though Google is the biggie, others may be useful too and less full of annoying commercial sites that may not be what you are looking for.
Check out different web sites, shop around for different sources. But watch out for flaky answers. There’s a lot of space cadet stuff on the Internet. Apply your critical thinking skills to find sensible information and consensus from experts with appropriate credentials. See the Resources section below for some materials that can help you be a critical consumer of online resources.
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Check For Options
The advice, program, or solution the expert offers may not be your only choice. Be aware of your range of options. If the problem is serious or expensive, you may want to ask for advice from another expert. The “second opinion” is a standard feature of modern medical practice; why not extend it to other kinds of expert advice? In other kinds of situations, check with your friends or other people who have been through the same system about the full range of options for dealing with the problem or topic. Let them act as your “consultants.”
Look for alternative sources of information. If you have physical symptoms that physicians can’t alleviate, for example, explore the nonmedical alternatives. Certain nontraditional practices may have value in the right circumstances. If you have gotten poor results from high-priced lawyers or therapists, consider other lower-priced options such as paralegal clinics or sliding-scale therapy clinics. The Internet is often the most effective way to shop for options but don’t overlook librarians. They are trained to search for information and they love to be asked to help. If your local library is limited, try the nearest college library. There’s usually a way for local residents to get a library card or access to a college library.
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Consult With Others
Getting feedback from trusted others is a good way to get an objective perspective. Tell friends and family members what the authorities are saying to you and have a brainstorming session with them aimed at identifying which questions you need to ask and which ones you have asked, but remain unanswered. It’s easier to apply critical thinking when you’re not in the immediate presence of intimidating authority.
Ask Who Else Can Help
Don’t assume that the expert you are dealing with is the only one who can solve the problem. If the authority with whom you are currently dealing is not helping you or is seriously upsetting you, think about who else might be more willing to help. Don’t just passively accept the unsatisfactory answer you’ve been given. Frequently, going up the chain of command can bring satisfaction. If a clerk or low-level bureaucrat, for example, is telling you he can’t help you, ask for his supervisor. The further up, the more likely the authority is to be cooperative. Because they have more decision-making power than low-level clerks, managers and supervisors are much more likely to be willing to help you. Here’s a typical scenario: Martin had forgotten to make a credit card payment and discovered that the deadline was that day so he called to make a by-phone payment. The call representative pointed out that Martin had missed the company’s deadline by several hours (even through it was still the same day). When the call rep said she couldn’t help him, Martin insisted on talking to the supervisor. The supervisor was willing to waive the late fee. Don’t assume, however, that asking for the supervisor will always get you what you want. If you are asking for something unfair or clearly beyond the rules, don’t expect to win just because you complain. The authorities are going to be more cooperative if they see that your issue has reasonable grounds.
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Model Someone Else
“What would Xena do?” – 1990s bumper sticker
Here’s a method that can help you if dealing with authorities is difficult for you. Think of someone you see as a calm person who handles him/herself well. It can be someone you know personally or even be a character from a book, movie, or TV. Think about his or her behavior and attitude and use it as a model. Ask yourself how that person would act in such a situation. When you are feeling too intimidated to ask questions or push for answers, pretend (in your own mind) that you are this model person who is calm, unintimidated and powerful in every situation. A clever bumper sticker manufacturer has apparently caught on to this idea and issued a “What would Xena do?” sticker. For those of you who missed the TV series, Xena, the “warrior princess,” was not only calm and unruffled by even the most calamitous situations, she kicked serious derriere too. Xena may not be your cup of mocha latte, but you can pick someone who is meaningful to you.
Practice, Practice, Practice
If some of the techniques that I’ve suggested in this chapter seem foreign to you, you can learn to feel more at ease with them. The key is practice. Try a little role-playing with a friend. Keeping your chosen role model’s example in mind, pretend that your friend is the expert you need to consult and act out a possible scenario. It may sound like a strange thing to do, but practicing ahead of time will make the actual encounter seem more familiar and less overwhelming. Even reading the list of questions you have prepared aloud will make you less likely to stumble and stutter when you are in the real-life situation. Remember that new skills always take time to learn. You wobbled when you got on a bicycle for the first time but after a little practice, it was a snap. Standing up to intimidating authorities may never become a “snap” but you can learn to do it with enough ease to get you through. It’s up to you.
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Resources
Books
How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty by Patti Breitman & Connie Hatch. New York: Broadway Books, 2001.Lots of practical tips on how to say no in nice ways to family, friends, dates, and high maintenance people. Friends and family may not be “experts and authorities” but the suggestions in this book can help you with other kinds of people too.
Evaluating Online Resources by M. Neil G. Browne and Stuart M. Keeley. Upper Saddle, NJ: Prentice Hall, 2002.Guidelines by two professors on how to think critically about web sites.
You’re Smarter Than They Make You Feel: How the Experts Intimidate Us and What We Can Do About It by Paula J. Caplan. New York: Free Press, 1994.This unfortunately out-of-print book has many excellent suggestions for standing up to experts.
Influence by Robert Cialdini. Boston: Allyn & Bacon, 2000. (available in many editions; I have another edition and publisher listed in a different chapter!)Cialidini’s book is both substantive and engaging, with both research and suggestions.
Body Politics: Power, Sex, and Nonverbal Communication by Nancy Henley. Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice-Hall, 1977.The psychology of gender, nonverbal behavior and power.
Web of Deception: Misinformation on the Internet edited by Anne P. Mintz. Medford, NJ: CyberAge Books, 2002. This book is a goldmine of in-depth information about the scams and misinformation on the Internet.
Web Sites
Critical Thinking about Authority and Influence
[also see references in Chapter One]
Resources for Independent Thinking
www.rit.org
A nonprofit educational organization with articles, tapes and other materials that encourage critical thinking about authority. Some of these articles formed the basis for the book you are now reading.
Lucifer Effect
www.lucifereffect.com
The web site for Dr. Zimbardo’s book (see Chapter One) has many resources and articles dealing with critical thinking about influence and unjust authority and how to resist. The articles include:
- “A Ten-Step Program to Build Resistance and Resilience”
- “Reversing the Process of Good People Turning Evil: Positive Social Influence and Civic Virtue”
- “Dr. Z’s 20 Hints about Resisting Unwanted Influences on You”
- “Why We Conform: The Power of Groups”
- “Resisting Influence”
- “Celebrating Heroism”
Stanley Milgram
www.stanleymilgram.com
Biographer Thomas Blass’s web site for Dr. Stanley Milgram. There are untold thousands of references on the Internet to the Milgram experiment and his conclusions about how easily people obey unjust authority. This is a place to start.
“Resisting the Temptation of Authority”
www.pickthebrain.com/blog/resist-the-temptation-to-submit-to-authority
“Questioning Authority – Excerpts from the book Trust Us, We’re Experts”
www.thirdworldtraveler.com/Public_Relations/Question_Authority_TUWE.html
“Normative Social Influence”
www.changingminds.org/explanations/theories/normative_social_influence.htm
Suggestions for resisting the effects of social influence.
Social Influence
http://www.influenceatwork.com/
A summary of Robert Cialdini’s ideas on social influence.
“The Sexual Politics of Interpersonal Behavior” by Nancy Henley and Jo Freeman
www.jofreeman.com/womensociety/personal.htm
Article on body politics, nonverbal behavior and gender.
Critical Thinking about Web Sites on the Internet
“A Guide to Critical Thinking about What You See On the World Wide Web.”
www.ithaca.edu/library/training/think.html
“Thinking Critically about World Wide Web Resources”
http://www.mscare.org/cmsc/Articles-Thinking-Critically-about-World-Wide-Web-Resources.html
“Evaluating Web Pages: Techniques to Apply & Questions to Ask”
www.lib.berkeley.edu/TeachingLib/Guides/Internet/Evaluate.html
“How to Evaluate A Web Site”
www.llrx.com/features/webeval.htm
Snopes
www.snopes.com
With the tag line “Rumor has it,” Snopes is the place to find out if the stories you read on the Internet or in your email are true or “urban legends. Lots of info about many kinds of scams and frauds.
How to Do Web Searches
Pandia.com
www.pandia.com/goalgetter/
Billed as a “short and easy search engine tutorial.”
Updates
For updates on books, web sites, web site URLs and links (they sometimes change), articles and other relevant information, check the web site for my book:
www.standuptoauthorities.com
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