The Abuser and the Abusive Relationship: A Look at Reality I

“By uncovering the unconscious rules of the power game and the methods by which it attains legitimacy, we are certainly in a position to bring about basic changes.”-Alice Miller

Since recognizing and identifying verbal abuse has proven to be extremely difficult for many people, in this chapter we will explore the abuser’s reality as well as the attitude or approach he takes toward his partner. This exploration will reveal some identifying characteristics common to most abusers and some conditions common to most abusive relationships.

The verbal abuser grew up in Reality I, just as the partner did. However, he never emerged into Reality II. In order to emerge into Reality II, he would have had to recognize and integrate the experiences of childhood which had left him so insecure – so in need of controlling.

The abuser lives in Reality I and values himself according to Reality I. Living in Reality I is living in the Power Over model. The abuser knows no Personal Power, nor does he experience the security and self-acceptance of Personal Power. Consequently, he avoids his feelings of powerlessness by dominating and controlling his partner. The abuser is determined not to admit to his manipulation and control. If he did, he would come face to face with his own feelings.

The abuser rejects his partner’s warmth and openness, because these are the very qualities which he fears in himself. In Reality I these qualities mean vulnerability, and in Reality I vulnerability is tantamount to death.

Generally, the abuser isn’t thinking about the pain he is inflicting by the abuse. He may “win” a battle with a manipulation or a convincing put-down without his partner even realizing a battle has taken place. If she does feel put down and tells him, he will deny the abuse. He might say, for example, that his partner doesn’t know what she’s talking about. Does she? She wonders.

In contrast, the physical abuser usually confuses his partner by admitting to his battering, apologizing, and saying he’ll never do it again-then doing it again. In this case the partner ought to know that what has happened is real. She sees the scars. However, this is not always the case. As Susan Haraki, M.F.C.C., a former counselor with Battered Women’s Alternatives in Concord, California, has pointed out, in some cases the abuser’s denial is so deep that he can minimize the physical damage to almost nothing. This intense denial may confuse and distort the victim’s own perceptions.

A partner of a verbal abuser who “If you’ve never been in a verbally abusive relationship, you would have an extremely difficult time knowing what it’s like. If you’re in a verbally abusive relationship, you may have never recognized it.”

The abuser’s declarations of love are in direct contrast to the hurtful things he says. Since everyone wants to be loved, the partner is inclined to believe the abuser when he says, “I love you.” After all, why would he say it if he didn’t mean it? Possibly, in Reality I love means something quite different from what it means in Reality II.

All the partners I interviewed had heard two or more of the following declarations of love. Some very abusive men had frequently said them all.

Verbal abusers have been known to say:

I love you.

No one could love you as much as I do.

I’d never leave you.

I’d never do anything to hurt you.

I just want you to be happy.

It is important to remember that every person is different and every abuser is different. Some abusers may be extremely overpowering and demanding, and some may be at the opposite extreme-reclusive, only occasionally demanding, but very manipulative. Others may seem to be angry all the time. Some may involve themselves with other men, hunting or participating in other sports. Others may be loners.

The verbal abuser may show a few, many, or all of the following characteristics. Some of these characteristics, by their nature, are very difficult to recognize. Also, the abuser may describe himself as the opposite of the way his partner experiences him. For example, he may blast her with angry accusations and describe himself as easygoing. The verbal abuser may be:

1. irritable
2. likely to blame his mate for his outbursts or actions
3. unpredictable (you never know what will anger him)
4. angry
5. intense
6. unaccepting of his mate’s feelings and views
7. unexpressive of warmth and empathy
8. controlling
9. silent and uncommunicative in private or, frequently, demanding or argumentative
10. a “nice guy” to others
11. competitive toward his partner
12. sullen
13. jealous
14. quick with come-backs or put-downs
15. critical
16. manipulative
17. explosive
18. hostile
19. unexpressive of his feelings

Usually the partner of a verbal abuser finds it difficult to see her mate objectively and clearly. This is especially true if she does not realize that he is, so to speak, in a different reality. He is not seeking mutuality. He is seeking to control and dominate. His behavior may be so changeable that his partner is kept off balance and is confused without knowing it. It is helpful, therefore, to consider the relationship itself.

In a verbally abusive relationship, only the illusion of an authentic relationship exists. In an abusive or Reality I relationship certain positive conditions which are intrinsic to an authentic relationship are lacking. Conversely, certain negative conditions are present. Both of these are listed below. Following this list are detailed descriptions of these conditions with examples which have been taken from real-life relationships. In a Reality I relationship:

What is present is:	What is lacking is:
Inequality	Equality
Competition	Partnership
Manipulation	Mutuality
Hostility	Goodwill
Control	Intimacy
Negation	Validation

INEQUALITY VERSUS EQUALITY

Since the verbal abuser needs to have Power Over his partner, he cannot accept her as an equal. He may, however, tell her that he does. Why can’t he accept her as an equal? Because he would experience her equality as his inferiority. He would have to ask for what he wanted. He would be open to rejection. He would have to give up control and dominance. Control and dominance seem to give the abuser a sense of power, security, and identity as a male.

One way to identify a relationship of inequality is to determine whether or not the couple can set mutual goals and discuss them together. In an abusive relationship, the couple does not really plan together. Planning together requires mutuality and equality. Mutuality and equality do not exist in Reality I. In an abusive relationship the partner may discover that her mate will not discuss long- or short-term goals with her, nor is he willing, in some instances, even to make plans with her for a weekend. Neither personal goals nor plans for the future together are discussed and agreed upon in a mutually supportive way. The following interactions illustrate the verbal abuser’s unwillingness to plan with his partner.

Bella thought it might be fun to go to a nearby lake on a certain Saturday afternoon. That morning she asked, “Bert, I was wondering, do you have any plans for today?”

Bert turned angrily toward her, “Do I have to have plans?” he spit out.

“Why, no,” she replied. “I was just thinking we might do something this afternoon.”

“I don’t see why I should have to have plans,” he said, even more angrily.

“What are you mad about? I never said you had to have plans,” Bella responded.

“I’m not mad! Just drop it!” Bert raged. “You said plans and now you’re trying to get out of it!”

Bella was left feeling confused, frustrated, and upset. She wondered how she could bear feeling so badly and at the same time not be able to discuss her feelings. She knew from past experience that Bert would keep saying she was “trying to get out of it.”

Bella said she had felt upset inside and had spent some time wondering what she had done to upset Bert. Had she given him the impression that she had expected him to have plans? Or, had she somehow made him feel pressured to have plans, even when she hoped he wouldn’t have any and would be free?

Whenever a conversation such as this would occur, there was never anyone else around to help Bella sort it out.

Bert, on another occasion, came in from the backyard and said, “I have to replace the decks. It’ll cost X dollars.”

Bella, who usually paid the bills from their joint account responded, with delight, “Oh! That would be nice. We don’t have that much in checking right now but we could probably get half the wood now and half later.”

“If we don’t have it, we don’t have it!” Bert yelled angrily.

“But I’m sure we can afford it. Do you want to plan a budget with me?”

“We’re not planning a budget,” Bert replied angrily.

“What about the decks?” Bella asked.

“I’m not going to discuss it,” Bert continued. “You spend money on anything you want.”

“No I don’t. Besides, I’d be happy to plan a budget with you.”

With rage Bert shouted, “You’re going on and on! You always have to have the last word!”

Bella confided that at this point she felt awful. She told me that she wondered how it was that she had led Bert to believe that she was trying to have the last word. She wondered why Bert would suggest that she spent too much when she knew she didn’t and always checked with him regarding unusual expenses. Why wasn’t he pleased that she was willing to work out a budget with him if he was concerned about expenses? Was he still planning to replace the decks? Why wasn’t she able to communicate in such a way that he wouldn’t perceive her as going on and on? How could she explain to him that she wanted to support him in his plans and that she was trying to cooperate?

She said that if she tried to bring up the discussion in any way, she knew Bert would tell her again that she was trying to have the last word. He said that a lot. Bella felt real mental anguish. Bert never made accusations like these if anyone else was around.

The partners of verbal abusers often spend a great deal of time trying to understand interactions similar to Bella’s and Bert’s. If the partner does not know that the issue is inequality, she is left feeling confused.

Cora told another common story of how she and Curt didn’t seem to be able to plan together. In this case Curt was earning a large portion of his income from commissions, overrides, and bonuses. These earnings were community property. However, Cora never knew what her income was because she only saw a small part of it.

Cora had never been able to make plans for the future with Curt. When she signed their joint tax return and asked Curt how forty thousand dollars had been used for a business expense, he blocked all her attempts at communication with threats and accusations. (See Chapter VIII for examples of blocking.) Curt never made these accusations if anyone else was around.

Bella’s and Cora’s stories illustrate the frustration of inequality in an abusive relationship. Verbal abusers block discussions because they are not willing to talk with their mates on an equal basis. The abuser prevents the possibility of mutual support and planning together and so deprives himself and his partner of the many benefits such partnership would bring.

Much of the confusion that the partners experienced trying to understand these interactions would have been cleared up if they had known that the real issue was that their mates were not willing to accept them as equals.

COMPETITION VERSUS PARTNERSHIP

Competition is intrinsic to Reality I. Conversely, contributions are unacceptable in Reality I. Anything achieved by the partner is seen as a threat by the abuser. The abuser’s worth is derived from a sense of one-upmanship and winning over. If the partner accomplishes something, the abuser views her accomplishment competitively. Dora tells this story:

While Dean was on a business trip and I was home with the children, I repainted the bathroom, which really needed it. When Dean got home I was happy to have finished it in time, as a little surprise. I wanted to tell him right away but waited until after dinner. Then, when I showed it to him saying “Look! I painted the bathroom. Doesn’t it look nice!” Dean became very angry. He yelled at me, “You think you do all the work! Well, I work, too!” I said I didn’t think so at all. He seemed to stay upset and angry. I couldn’t get him to understand my intentions. I felt disappointment and a lot of pain, and frustration too. How did I give him the impression that I thought I did all the work? How?

Dean never became this angry if anyone else was around.

When the partner does not recognize that her mate is angry because of his competitive approach to the relationship, she may believe, as Dora did, that she has said or done something to give him an erroneous and hurtful impression. A raging blast such as “You think you do all the work!” is accusatory and confusing, especially because it was actually Dora’s feelings of mutuality and her desire to contribute which had motivated her in the first place. Her feelings and motivations were the opposite of what she was told they were. Over time this kind of abuse is killing to the spirit.

MANIPULATION VERSUS MUTUALITY

Since the verbal abuser derives his sense of power from Power Over, he feels powerless within. Feeling powerless, he may get what he wants through indirect and devious means. This is manipulation. One way of manipulating and closing off communication is to respond to the partner’s attempt to discuss a problem with, “I never say anything right!” This is a covert way of saying “I can’t change and I won’t discuss the issue.” At other times the verbal abuser may pretend not to understand or to have forgotten what his partner is talking about when she brings up an issue of deep concern to her.

There are many ways to manipulate another person, including being “friendly” only when one expects to get something from the other, suggesting disastrous outcomes to another’s plans, and acting as if something has been agreed to or decided that hasn’t been agreed to or decided. Following is an example of manipulative verbal abuse.

Ellen had gone back to school for her M.A. degree. She discovered that when she needed to study for finals, Ernie seemed to have very important things he needed her to do. Also, she noticed that very frequently, when she was sitting and studying, Ernie would approach her and say in a very solicitous way, expressing great concern, “Are you OK, honey?” Ellen would reply, “Oh, I’m fine. Why?”

“I just wondered if you were okay,” Ernie would answer.

This occurred many times over many months before Ellen realized how uneasy she was beginning to feel about studying and how Ernie’s implication that something was wrong with her when she studied was undermining her determination.

Ernie never made this comment if anyone else was around.

HOSTILITY VERSUS GOODWILL

All verbal abuse is hostile. The partners of verbal abusers are universally dismayed to realize this. “Why would he be hostile toward me?” they ask in anguish. This will become clearer later. For now, if you are with a verbal abuser, it is important that you realize you haven’t done anything to make him hostile.

The abuser’s hostility may be expressed overtly or covertly. He may vent his anger frequently, or he may never reveal it, preferring, instead, to manipulate and subtly control his partner.

One woman I interviewed who had left a manipulator observed that after he had broken several court orders so that he could make her life as miserable as possible, he called her and said that if she came back to him all her misery would end. He was, in fact, continuing to deny that he was the source of her misery.

One of the last things that a partner of a verbal abuser may realize is that her mate is hostile toward her. For example, a seemingly solicitous expression of concern such as “Are you OK, honey?” may, as shown earlier, actually be an attempt to stop the partner from engaging in a personal pursuit-certainly a very hostile action.

Hostility is expressed directly when the abuser blasts his partner. However, every blast may be so filled with accusation that the partner may believe that her mate’s anger is her fault. If she accepts accusatory blame as Dora did, in all probability she would be shocked to realize that her mate is actually hostile towards her. She may have assumed all along that there is goodwill in the relationship and that he just doesn’t understand her.

When there is goodwill in the relationship, there is a reaching out-a conscious concern for the other’s well-being. Just as the partner asks, “What are you angry about?” her mate asks, “What is upsetting you?”

CONTROL VERSUS INTIMACY

When the verbal abuser refuses to discuss a problem, he prevents all possibility of resolution. In this way he exercises control over the interpersonal reality. Partners are frequently left with a sick, hurt feeling that is never really resolved. There is no feeling of closure. Upsetting incidents may reoccur in confusing flashbacks because they haven’t been fully understood or resolved.

All verbal abuse is dominating and controlling. Verbal abuse used to control the partner without the partner’s knowledge is called “crazymaking.” “The sustaining of power seems to be one key factor in CM [crazymaking] behavior. It appears to be a way of asserting dominance while denying its existence or the wish for it.” (Bach and Deutsch, 1980, p. 270)

Verbal abuse closes the door to true communication and intimacy. Intimacy in a relationship requires mutuality. Mutuality requires goodwill, openness, and a willingness to share oneself.

The abuser cannot control his partner and be intimate with her at the same time. Intimacy is lacking if there is no equality, partnership, mutuality, and goodwill. “Intimate love is fun, sexy, romantic, inspiring. Whether you have it in your relationship has little to do with how many years you have been together, but depends instead on how often and how deeply you share yourselves with each other.” (Paul, 1983, p. 124)

NEGATION VERSUS VALIDATION

Because of his need for dominance and his unwillingness to accept his partner as an equal, the verbal abuser is compelled to negate the perceptions, experiences, values, accomplishments and plans of his partner. Consequently, the partner may not even know what it is like to feel supported and validated in her relationship. She may take his negation as a lack of common interest or as a misunderstanding. In truth, a verbally abusive relationship is a more or less constant invalidation of the partner’s reality.

Validation is a positive affirmation of the other, such as “Yes, I understand how you’re feeling.” “Is this what you mean?” “I hear you.”

The anguish and confusion which the partner experiences from the abuse is compounded by the abuser’s negation and invalidation of both the abuse and its effects. The next chapter explores these effects. They are the consequences of verbal abuse.

Top of Page