Rules of Engagement

RULES OF ENGAGEMENT: Assumptions

1. All of us working in the field of domestic violence treatment and prevention recognize that we have one primary mission: to reduce the likelihood – ideally, to eliminate – the risk of future relationship violence.

2. Programs like The STOP Program are committed to targeting the men (or women) who have been identified as perpetrators of relationship violence, and doing everything we possibly can to have a positive impact on how they conduct themselves in the future. Our goal is one of rehabilitation and change.

3. In working with men (or women) who have committed these acts of relationship violence, our most effective strategy is to “engage” the group member to increase the likelihood that he/she will be receptive to change. If we don’t reach them, we can’t change them.

RULES OF ENGAGEMENT: Communicating Respect

It is often difficult for group leaders to listen to the stories of the men in our program dispassionately and compassionately. We all enter this setting with our own values and judgments–let alone personal experiences–and the process of understanding a man who abuses his partner can provoke difficult emotions.

The men in this program deserve our respect–not, obviously, for the actions they have taken, but rather for the individual stories that have led them to act desperately and destructively. It is very helpful to recognize that many of the men in our groups–like all of us–have become overwhelmed by emotions that they had difficulty handling. And they have lacked the necessary range of skills to handle these emotions in constructive and proactive ways. Although we must always emphasize personal responsibility, it is also essential to recognize our essential similarity and their essential humanity.

It is our belief that when these men become smarter about themselves (more aware of needs, feelings, and motivations) and smarter about options (better skills at self-talk, relaxation, communication, empathy, and problem-solving), they will choose otherwise in the future.

PACING AND LEADING (see Pacing & Leading guidelines): One treatment strategy to help facilitate these goals is called “pacing and leading.” This approach employs the process of carefully mirroring or pacing the experience of the other person–followed by a leading suggestion for a new way to think or act.

This sequence of communicating empathic understanding and respect for the man’s experience, followed by a new perspective or idea proves very valuable in these groups.

LABELING: It is vital to communicate this message: We treat the man, not the label. Stay away from labels that sound like put-downs, such as batterers, perpetrators, abusers, etc. They may be true, and they may be the labels in the legal system, but they do nothing but foster shame – and resistance–in these groups. We want the men to understand that we could put any man in this group, regardless of what has gone wrong in his relationship patterns and he would benefit from the approaches used in this treatment model.

REFRAMING NEGATIVE EMOTIONS: It is both respectful and productive to reframe negative emotions such as jealousy, hurt, and feeling disrespected as signs of attachment: If you didn’t care about her, and what she thinks of you, this wouldn’t matter so much. Of course, this cannot be the only perspective on these emotions, but they do allow the men to examine these emotions without automatically coming to extreme negative conclusions about themselves, their partner, or their relationship. It is also valuable to help them apply this same perspective to the negative emotional states of their partners.

INITIAL RESISTANCE: Very frequently group members enter the first group session angry and resistant. They complain about being in the group, challenge the group policies, and insist that they will not be talking in these sessions. Unless they are seriously disruptive to the group, it is usually best to respectfully listen to their complaints and then move on. Power struggles should be avoided whenever possible. Often men who are the most difficult in the early sessions turn out to be the best group members–as long. as they have felt respected.

TAKING THINGS SERIOUSLY: Often, the group members will become uncomfortable with the emotionally disturbing discussions that emerge in the group–and they deal with this by laughing or making fun. Sometimes this happens when a group member describes some act of violence toward his wife or partner that he delivered because she was nagging him so much. It can get tiring for the group leaders to “lecture” the group about how “this is not a funny subject.” Often, modeling has the most impact. The group leaders should simply maintain a serious tone themselves. The group members usually get the message quickly. Many of these men are surprisingly sensitive to social cues about correct behavior and they don’t want to “look bad.”

SYSTEM-BASHING: System-bashing also occurs frequently in the groups: bashing the court system, Child Protective Services, child custody laws, etc. These discussions should be short-circuited as quickly as possible. Unlike women-bashing, however, it is rarely effective to confront these complaints. For one thing, the men may be justified in their complaints. For another, it is unproductive to engage in any unnecessary power struggles. The most effective strategy seems to be saying something like this: You know, you may be right about some of your complaints, but this isn’t really the focus of the group sessions. What we need to talk about here is the things you can do differently in your lives.

WOMEN-BASHING: “Women-bashing” often occurs in these group sessions. In contrast to “system-bashing”, this should be confronted immediately. Group leaders should point out that generalizations about any social group always turn people into categories rather than individuals. It should be emphasized that it’s OK to say that your wife complains a lot, but not to say that all women are nags. Furthermore, men who refer to their wife as “the wife” or “she” or even “my wife” should be consistently asked to refer to her by name. It can be “humanizing” to write the name of each of the “women” in the group on the board as their names come up during each session. Our goal is to make the women in these men’s lives as real and human as possible.

POWERLESSNESS and ACCOUNTABILITY: Although it is obvious that dominance and control are central themes for many of the male domestic violence perpetrators, it is also important to recognize how powerless many of these men feel. When we can identify this experience of powerlessness, many of these men are much more accessible to us. They feel less blamed as bad people and more understood as men who have been frustrated or have felt wounded. It is quite possible to communicate this message without absolving men of responsibility for their abusive actions. Consider this message: We want you to take 100% responsibility for your own behavior, but not necessarily 100% blame for all the problems.

RULES OF ENGAGEMENT: User-Friendly Environment

Not only is it important to engage the group members by communicating respect, but this atmosphere of respect is also communicated through the structure of the program and the treatment environment that we design for them. It is also important to recognize the learning sties of the men in our groups and design interventions accordingly.

SHAME-FREE GROUP NAMES: Domestic violence treatment groups should not be called domestic violence treatment groups, at least not as afar as the group members are concerned. The names should be neutral, like Group HAWK or Group EAGLE, or positive, like Relationship Skills Training or The STOP Program. These men are very sensitive to being and feeling shamed about their behavior, and the shame experience rarely makes them more amenable to change. Instead, it generates defensiveness and resistance.

“SHAME-FRIENDLY” GROUP ENVIRONMENT: The discussion in the group should not lead to more shaming than they are already experiencing. Challenging the group members to recognize the ways in which their behavior has been abusive is one thing; communicating disgust is another. There needs to be room for them to discuss their feelings of shame about their behavior without feeling more of it. The goal is to create a “shame-friendly” group environment in which shame can be identified and integrated.

INTERACTIVE, ENGAGING TECHNIQUES: Another important design issue for these programs is to make sure that the information which is so vital for their progress is presented in ways that are engaging and user-friendly. Lectures need to be simple and straightforward. The use of video clips, group exercises, demonstrations and role-parlays, and humor all enhance the attention span and receptivity of our audience.

OFFERING COUPLES TREATMENT OPTIONS: Many state statutes prohibit any couples treatment options, at least until the offender has fully completed his or her own treatment program. In many cases, this policy make sense. However, many of the men in our programs know that their partner has also significantly contributed to the violence at home. Even if it is not used in a particular case, the awareness among group members that couples’ treatment is available communicates the message that the program understands the complexity of many domestic violence situations.

SUBCULTURE-SPECIFIC GROUPS: Again, this may not be possible at all sites and many programs may object to this on theoretical grounds. However, sometimes men of various subcultures or minority groups (African-American, Mexican-American, Filipino, and certainly gay) feel more comfortable and can be more open in these homogenous groups.

RULES OF ENGAGEMENT: Therapeutic Alliance

Another obvious issue in generating the engagement experience revolves around specific interventions to foster a therapeutic alliance. Years of research about the efficacy of clinical interventions in any setting have taught us that this variable is one of the most essential contributors to any treatment success.

Often this alliance is generated naturally, if the counselor has an intuitive sense of how to foster alliance and if the group member is receptive. Most of you working in this field are already skilled at this. The brief list of ideas below are intended to remind you of some specific approaches that may enhance this alliance even further.

GROUP LEADER SELF-DISCLOSURE: Therapist self-disclosure, in moderation, can be very effective in these groups. Group leaders have often created an atmosphere of increased trust and intimacy by acknowledging that some of the same struggles and conflicts have taken place in their own relationships. This is a very valuable tool in helping the group members normalize their experiences, and often enables them to react less explosively to family and personal frustrations.

Although it is difficult to establish an absolute set of rules of when to self-disclose and when not to, you may assume that group leader self-disclosure is contraindicated in the following situations:

Revealing the “too personal”: Be careful about revealing information that may place a burden on the group members to take care of you, or may lead to a loss of your professional credibility if others in your field found out this same information.

Needing a friend: The reason to self-disclose is to offer something to help the group. If you find yourself talking about your recent divorce because you need to talk to someone about it and the people here are very interested, you are making a mistake.

Needing admiration: Sometimes people in the counseling field, if they are not careful, use their clients to feel admired for personal accomplishments (famous people you know, a book you have published, an important position you have been chosen for). This is not the job of the group.

Losing credibility: If you think that revealing personal information may actually lead you to lose credibility with the group members, then this would be a mistake. If you are a woman who was in an abusive relationship, and you reveal this to the group with the intention of letting them know that you know a lot about his area, they may suspect that you will not be able to see them clearly as individual men. If you served in the military, If you have been happily married for 25 years, this information may increase your credibility about relationships – or it may signal to the men that you don’t know enough about tormented relationships.

Normalizing violence: If a group member reports a violent urge or fantasy when arguing with his wife, it is not appropriate to tell the group that you often feel the same way. Even if it is true, this tends to normalize aggressive impulses. The group members get the message that everyone feels like they do, which is not exactly true. Everyone has anger, and perhaps even occasional aggressive urges, but most people do not seriously struggle with whether or not to act not on them – as these men have.

UNIVERSAL EXPERIENCE: It is very valuable for group members to hear the basic message that “Anybody could benefit from this program.” In other words, these men are not criminal freaks. They are men who – like all of us – have failed sometimes in handling the complexities of love relationships. Without in any way minimizing the seriousness and tragedy of their offenses, it is still very treatment-friendly to make it clear that the group leaders, too, could benefit from going through a program like this which examines relationship assumptions and relationship behavior.

PRE-GROUP PREPARATION: As Yalom (1995) has indicated, one of the most valuable contributors to the success of “brief” group therapies is the use of appropriate pre-group preparation. This helps foster the alliance, right off the bat, necessary for successful group performance. The Orientation session of The STOP Program is designed with exactly these principles in mind. We want to have the new, unsure, and defensive group member form an alliance with the group leader(s) without the competition of the rest of the group.

 
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